Nothing is quite as hard as erasing someone from your memory.

And ever so often one person comes along and shatters everything you ever believed in...

Nostalgia

"Ummi, I remember when I made a touch down in little league and I was hella happy and you told me that it didn't count cause I didn't spike the ball. Then you kept doing the touch down dance in my face." hahahaha. I love you little big cousin.

I am a scatter brain. I zone out when your talking to me, I forget to return phone calls, I text back hours late, I constantly cancel on hanging out and when I do make it I am usually 20 minutes late or more. "I am full of flaws, stitched together with good intentions", and those who TRULY love me, have come to love even the quirkiest of those flaws with no motives to change me or punish me for my imperfections.

All I can do is be me, and if that is good enough for you then that is beautiful, but if it isn't, then that is your loss.

Never lose sleep over those who become distant chapters in your life. Some people are only meant to play roles and teach lessons and then their time in a story is done. Nothing sad about that. It is a part of the "Circle of life". It is how we grow. Everytime you lose someone old, someone new will appear eventually.

The important thing to remember? Those who TRULY matter, those who truly value you? Friendship cannot slip away. Don't hold on to those who aren't reaching out for you.

We grow up and we grow out. Out of friendship, out of old habits, out of people. It's not bad, it is just real.

The test? Accepting this gracefully and with understanding. Life is too short to be upset by those who don't waste their time being upset over you.

Wow this entry was all over the place....
Just needed to vent and remind myself that this world is a beautiful place and every second wasted on a sad thought is a second smiling that was lost...

Noah T

"Two diff people who love each other, but just couldn't find a middle ground really."

Thank you Noah

I did it!

Class of 2010 graduate. I am donezo!

6,818,119,630 people in this world right now. I am sure in the midst of that there is someone better out there for me.

Timing

Today I had a long talk with a good friend. Usually I wouldn't assume that he would be one of my deepest friends, but the insightful statements he made today really stuck with me.

He emphasized the importance of realizing everything has a divine path it will ultimately take. We cannot control or force or rush that path/timeline. I can't push to make something happen if it isn't meant to be. Part of the beauty of life? Allowing things to occur on the natural course God has set for you and taking every event as it occurs.

"To flow with life (no resistance). And to trust the universe and the higher power, as everything, no matter how bad its seems has a perfect divine synchronicity, that you may not be able to see right now."
- someone stated this on their tumblr and it may just be the realest shit she ever wrote.


Trust in my God. And trust that there is a reason for everything. This includes even the most disastrous or hurtful events. Simply look for the beauty and growth in it, and move forward. Never allowing yourself to focus or dwell on what is wrong, what could have been, what- if's. Those do not help nor change things. Simply take the lesson from the situation and move forward.


Don't spend days worrying about tomorrow or the day after that or what you did wrong the day before. Live each day for what it is. Today. And at the beginning of each day, find a beauty in the pure fact you woke up alive. That is beautiful itself, being given the opportunity to see another day.

Never put too many hopes, dreams, or manifestations upon any individual, we are all human so we are bound to make mistakes and disappoint.

If things don't go as you hoped or planned, don't allow yourself to be upset by it. Trust that there is a reason that things went down the path they did and continue on your next journey. Life is made up of various journeys with many different destinations. The longer you focus on one, the shorter you are allowing your next journey to be.

Just take the ride and try to find the beauty every inch of the way...

“Be careful: I’ll love the shit out of you"

“History shows us that the people who end up changing the world – the great political, social, scientific, technological, artistic, even sports revolutionaries – are always nuts, until they are right, and then they are geniuses.” – John Eliot

The Path

This path is not easy. Not that I ever expected it to be. It is in fact quite difficult, some times a struggle, it requires a lot of faith, determination, and perseverance. This path is not easy but I never expected it to be, this will just make it so much more meaningful when I reach my destination. ♥

Release

I've gotten so used to stopping in and posting a excerpt of a spoken word piece I have just written or a few quotes or pictures. It's been quite awhile since I have really just vented or written straight from the heart. So here goes.

I am trying to remain on the path which I placed myself on at the beginning of 2010. I promised myself that this would be a year of self love, self respect, and self fulfillment. I graduate from college this year and I want to matriculate into the "Real world" with confidence and faith so strong, that they are unshakable by others. It's hard, honestly.
We consistently hear that what "other people think doesn't matter", but realistically, you want to be liked. I want to make people smile, I want people to love me, and I want to believe that peoples lives are better as a result of me being in it.
The challenge? Mattering to people by being yourself, but not being bothered by those who don't have the ability to recognize what you offer.
It's honestly disheartening lately how so many people have found ways to make me question myself as a person. I try so hard to stay in a realm which allows me only to let the emotions of others affect me as much as I control but recently i have failed.
I am hurt by so many people who have manipulated situations and friendships that have been disregarded and love which has been devalued. Lately so many people have disappointed me and it makes it difficult to continue to smile.
This is the real test. My ability to brush this off. Remind myself why I love me. What I love about Umma and what I love about life.
Praying to he who created me in the vision he saw me to be and realizing that he loves me for being that vision. God. Allah. Thank you for this life. I am grateful for it. He listens, so I need to speak to him more.

That was my vent.
Thank you

Mask

My mother once told me she feared for my emotional well being because I have the uncanny ability to emulate an emotion that is exactly opposite of what I am feeling. She feared that my ability to bury my emotions would one day lead to a breakdown. She also told me it uneases her that she could look in my eyes for 15 minutes and not sense any emotion what so ever because I'd built up such a strong wall.

And I've never been less sure about things....
There is actually nothing I am sure about anymore

Who I am

I found this quote and I don't know who wrote it but they must be observing me daily. This is perfect

"I don't have a fear of commitment; i have a fear of abandonment. we all screw things up. i screw things up, especially with the people i love. i get needy, i get moody,i get distant, i want to be too close. i get confused, i don't understand all of it. but i keep pushing because i hope in this thing, the universe. there's no way i'm the only person out there who wants it this bad. if i want it, someone else out there must too."

The Test?

Me being able to be happy about your happiness, even if it doesn't include me.

Dependency

The weakest characteristic a woman can display is dependency. Never let yourself become dependent upon anyone. Do not become dependent on them for money, company, compliments, or love. There is an indescribable power that comes along with realizing you’ve never needed anyone but yourself. It’s always beautiful to find someone who wants to give you the world, but it’s even more beautiful to obtain it on your own.

Self...

Self love, Self acceptance, Self fulfillment.

Beauty

So True...

Minus the holding hands tho...LOL

Relations

It's crazy how the people we were closest to at a point in our lives can become distant as strangers

The Challenge?

Remaining positive when you're constantly surrounded by reasons not to be. Life is too short. It's short and rapid and the moments which become memories are fleeting. In fact, they occur so quickly that you often don't even realize you are making these memories while they are happening. For this reason exactly, I would like to live life so fulfilled and so happy that my brain is consumed. Full of too many memories.

Friendship

Quite simply, I love myself enough to only love those who love me the way I love them.

I love you because you have mastered the ability to lovingly mirror back reality to me in a way that keeps me conscious of the events and people who surround me, without shattering MY own little world. That is what is important to me. To be able to live in my world, away from the cruel, harsh, unforgiving realities of everyday life. And to work on loving myself, attaining my own definition of success, and if not changing, at least making some sort of impact on the bigger world around me.

Long distance love

"I think I love you too much". And it scares me because with every fight that occurs I see myself stepping further back from us and I don't want to love you less. If we never end up together and we both go our separate ways in this world I want to remember you just like this. I want to be able to capture the exact moment that I realized I love you in ways I have never loved another human being on this earth, and I want to paint that moment into a still life portrait, and once that moment is painted I will spend my days staring at it and remembering the beauty of that moment and how it completed my life. Because that was all I had ever lived for. I want to always remember you being as beautiful as you are now and if in order for that to happen I need to step back and just learn to love you from a far.

That is what I shall do.

Happy Birthday Daddy

Like superheroes of saturday morning cartoons, he seemed indestructible
And although I knew he couldn't lift a car with one hand nor fly, it didn't matter
He was my hero

He ruled with an iron fist but iron has never felt as soft as cotton
Because he knew how to rule without dictating
He could yell without lifting his voice
Because he struck fear with his mere presence

See we weren't scared of what he was capable of
But more scared of disappointing him
Because we looked up to him

I remember one day I asked him what his favorite color was
And he responded "I do not have one"
And instead of being confused I was fascinated because to me he was so suave that colors didn't phase him
He looked good in whatever the fuck he wore

See my father could command a rooms attention with a mere throat clear
And no he wasn't extraordinarily tall nor big, he was simply what I'd like to call "the man".

And although he'd left his prideland
He was prideful
And Although he always had his hands full
He handled
every aspect of home life
And to them he was the man in the suit who ran shit
But to us he was just daddy

Memories of nigerian dreams traveled to a country in hopes of a better life
Deep rooted accent in every word he spoke

And as I grew up friends told stories of fathers strayed with no regards for family
Or divorces resulted in love lost
But these stories were incomprhensible to me
You see my family was perfect

And at age 16 that picture perfect photo shattered

And there was no longer a glue to this family
And there was no longer a glue to this family
And there was no longer a glue to this family
Shit started to fall apart

My mother shed tears into wells of wishes
as if each one dropped could resurrect him
And they say time heals all, but death is irreversible
So collecting all the seconds in the world cannot resurrect him.

And we began to hate clocks in our house because they simply reminded us of how much time had past since he'd died

And the sunsets my mother once considered to be daily portraits of God merely served as reminders of the lonely nights which were ahead

Ans I remember promising myself if I ever got the chance, I would go toe to toe, face to face, eye to eye with God
To simply ask him
Why?

Because they say everything happens for a reason but fuck that shit, fuck your reason, I fucking want my father back!!!!

And right when I was on the precipice of becoming a young lady I lost the man of my life
and my brother grew up too quickly attempting to become the man of the house
and see my mother cried her days away missing the original man of the house

See at age 16 my mother met my father
and at age 16 I lost him
At age 20 my mother gave birth to my brother
And at age 20 my brother lost the man who'd produced him

and 6 years later these scars have not healed because contrarily to popular belief there are circumstances where pain is incurable
And 6 years later I have discovered there is no remedy
But please don't give me your sympathy
I do not need it, because you see I was lucky

I was lucky enough to wear the title of his daughter for 16 years
Because you see, as I have already explained, my father was "the man"

Fashion

i don't think people understand quite clearly what fashion is about. It is not a focus on who can attain the most expensive designers. Fashion entails an appreciation for aesthetics. An understanding of colors, patterns, and textures and how they compliment each other especially in combination's that go against the grain. Designers are visionaries. No, Fashion is not about attaining the most expensive designers, it is an art form which is just as valid as painting, sculpting, or music.

My World

I am in my own little world and you are welcome to join me but only if you come with positive energy, endless ambition, and a desire to if not change the world, at least change lives.

Change

I am honestly amazed at how quickly I am changing. Every day I am seeing the world as a more beautiful place, I am spending less time focused on other people and more time focusing on myself and what makes me happy. I am so happy with the path I am beginning to find myself on...

Success

And I think that I define success differently than you. The instant I can love everything about myself with no inhibitions, the instant I can find beauty in every tragedy I face, and the instant that the words wealth and value can only be applicable to life experiences and personal relationships, I have succeeded.

Let down

And I've spent years making up excuses for pain you've inflicted
During these years I read myself verses of forgiveness in efforts to let go
And even when I went blind from nights spent with eyes strained on these pages, I rubbed fingertips against braille as if with each stroke the pain of your actions would hurt less

You see I've spent more time trying to forgive you than I have loving you
and I have spent more time loving you than I have loving myself
and through all of this I made promises that it would be worth it because you would be here for me unconditionally...

Yesterday you proved me wrong.

I spent nights with eyes strained, reading verses of forgiveness. Tonight I am done trying to forgive. I am tired and i just want to sleep.

Trust (an unfinished piece)

Trust is you and me standing at the highest point of the highest mountaintop and jumping, both having faith that the other will learn to fly before we hit the ground

SO like acrobatics, I balance on this tight rope which we call our love, sometimes hoping that I do fall because it's not easy enduring your pain for the both of us

And although women were built with wombs to nurture, you were never my child to raise.
I didn't come into this expecting to be a mother, I simply wanted someone to love

The other day someone asked me what the rest of my life looked like...

the other day someone asked me what the rest of my life looked like....

and I looked deep into my future and the scariest part was that I didn't see you in it.

I saw nights spent on bent knees with hands clasped together. Head bowed and eyes squeezed shut as tightly as possible as if the tighter they were squeezed the more meaningful the prayer tumbling out of my lips would be.

But I didn't see you

I never thought I would meet someone who I loved too much to be with.

Wild Thing

“I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself.”

- D.H. Lawrence

"In need of substance
Not something material
Im talking D'Angelo and Lucky charm cereal
University sweaters and sweatpants
Girl you look so good to me that I save you the next dance
Natural no make up
and eveytime we wake up
Im happy the other side of the bed is what you take up"
-Drake

R.I.P. Love

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish it’s source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.
Anais Nin

Goodbye Love

“I used to think I could keep the things that I love, now I only hold on to the things that love me back.”