Dear 2008

Dearest 2008,

I would like to inform you that you sucked major balls. You brought me financial instability, heartbreak, educational difficulties, and unmeasurable stress. 2008 I had high hopes for you but unfortunately you did nothing but let me down. You proved yourself to be merely a disappointment. I hate you because I became accustomed to falling asleep upon wet pillows. Genuine smiles were rare. My stomach constantly turned, nauseated at the unhappy thoughts which clouded my brain. 2008 you bitch.


2008...first loves last forever but thats not your fault ill blame that Ho 2007. You will think about them constantly at first...then on occasion. The slightest things will remind you of a particular day you went to the movies or walked though the park. You think you've moved on until you see a picture on your facebook minifeed or someone mentions their name, and it causes your stomach to slightly turn, your eyes to slightly water, and your heart to slightly ache. That may never go away but I won't even blame you for all of that 08.

2008 I feared heartbreak and you let it crash into me recklessly. Tears and Pain. A harsh, haunting pain, which shreds your very being. A pain that makes you question if you will ever smile again. I recovered.

You taught me that in order to be in love you must become selfless but that only comes after you have learned to love yourself. And you also taught me that being selfless includes letting go of someone when you realize you cannot be what they need, no matter how hard it is, or how much it hurts. You taught me that you cannot hold on to someone for who you WANT them to be if it isn't who they really are.

You let our economy plummet Mr.08. Gas was up to $4.75 a gallon. Wachovia wouldn't give me an extra loan. I COULDN'T GET A JOB FOR 4 MONTHS!!!! WTF ?!?! How could you allow this to occur? That was just rude...

2008 you knocked me down fiercely. Round after round you had no remorse in your eyes. I got up each time. People have always spoke of this ferocious strength which they say I exemplify. I never believed it and you finally made me aware it exist. I never saw it before your relentless attacks but after coming out of each one triumphantly, i realized it is here.

2008 there were times I wanted to give up because things hurt so bad. You were a year of pain but you were also a year of perseverance.

I should hate you 2008 and don't get me wrong...I do but I also thank you.

Because of you I now recognize my own capabilities, because of my suffering I have gained compassion, and because of what I have LOST, I have learned to appreciate what I have.

I thank you because you brought me adventure in London. There I gained life long friends.

Last but not least you gave us President BARACK OBAMA. So as much as I hate your stinking guts, I take my hat off to you 2008.

Sincerely,
R.M. (Umma)

From Big sister to Little sister to Bestfriend....

I stopped blogging for awhile for a variety of reasons which included not enough time in my life but one thing I always have time for is friends. After reading my poem on Erins blog today and being sent the link to my big sisters new blog, I got back on here simply to post something for 2 friends who I think need it the most.

To you: I cannot tell you anything I haven't already told myself before. "The heart does things for reasons even reason does not understand." In the end of it all, you will follow your heart. All I can do is be here for you. I love you
&
To you: Love hurts. It hurts in this raw form which affects you mentally and physically. It's like you said one night "my heart hurts." I am not the remedy nor the solution but I am a shoulder for you to cry on. That is what I am and that is what I will continue to be.

Excerpts from advice letters from my big sister Sudeshna who is currently teaching in South Korea

Letter 1.

"It just hurts like hell and you hold on fucking tight until one day, you get so tired of your own bullshit and so angry and resentful that you gave so much that you let go. Sometimes its our time to give and sometimes its our time to receive, we fall out of love when we look back and measure how much we gave someone and how much we received."
&
"I wish there was a better solution but there isnt. its fool proof. you hurt enough, you get exhausted and tired and angry and resentful and peaceful and quiet and one day you just kinda heal. I dont think you stop loving them though but you must realize you are in love with the idea of that person rather than the actual person."
-Sudeshna


Letter 2.

I will leave u with this: for people like you and me it will always be easy to give love and harder to receive it . Here the Catch 22: in order to receive the love you deserve. You have to know you deserve it. We keep givng in hopes of someone noticing we're deserving. But by giving and allowing someone to "take" we become someone worth taking from and not givnig to. Real love doesnt feel like that. Real love feels pretty damn effortless and we wont find it until we throw these rules we create out the door. We had the perfect man we want but he doesnt come in perfect packages. The day I stopped trying to fit some guy into some list, i found what it was I was looking for. He doesnt have to fit my ideals, i now live on the principal that the universe will provide me what I need, when I need it. I just have to know when to let it go and start receiving.


I love you sis. Life is beautiful. Not because Im in love but because I am loved by God or whoever you want to call it. SOmeone somewhere saw what I needed and provided me with something right to compare to the rest of my life so i never go wrong again. Its not love that makes the world better its getting what you deserve and feeling that you deserve it because you did it the right way."

-Sudeshna

The best part of all of this? A few days ago she started her own blog...
She may KILL me for doing this but I feel everyone deserves a bit of Sue in their lives...

http://sudeshnamajumdar1.blogspot.com/

This game called Love

That shit was like a game of tag
I'd run and you'd catch me.
Like playgrounds of elementary schools our feet slapped on blacktop
That game of tag should go in the record books
23 thousand, 4 hundred, and 63 inhales
I never exhaled


This relationship is truly a game of tag and one day I am going to stop playing...
*sigh*
But for now I love you

One of the worst feelings in the world is the few seconds after you awake from a dream. For just a few mere seconds you are stuck in a realm between reality and whatever fantasy you were living in during your sleep. The worst feeling ever is when the deceased appear in your dream. Reassuring you that they never left, they'd been on earth all along. Then you wake up. And for just a FEW seconds, you grasp onto that dream. You pray that truth laid in the words you heard while asleep. They had never left. Then reality sinks in. You are awake. They are gone.

Hands in the air and shake that ass

Yesterday was hands down the funnest clubbing night that I've had so far.






hahaha 2am in the club bathroom.... and this is what we did...
p.s. I KNO....I looked whooped.


If I don't leave anything else in London....I left my mark on Melody
hahaha "Im from East Oakland Bitch"....good ol' Melody. I put a little bit of hood in her :)

Letters from South Korea

I wrote Sue a long facebook message about a few dilemmas in my life and within seconds she wrote me back. Shes in South Korea as a teacher right now so her efficient and thought out response meant alot to me! Anywayz...i felt a few parts of the letter could apply to many people and their circumstances so here are a few excerpts...

"It just hurts like hell and you hold on fucking tight until one day, you get so tired of your own bullshit and so angry and resentful that you gave so much that you let go. Sometimes its our time to give and sometimes its our time to receive, we fall out of love when we look back and measure how much we gave someone and how much we received."
&
"I wish there was a better solution but there isnt. its fool proof. you hurt enough, you get exhausted and tired and angry and resentful and peaceful and quiet and one day you just kinda heal. I dont think you stop loving them though but you must realize you are in love with the idea of that person rather than the actual person."
-Sudeshna


I remember one time I told Sue that I was heartbroken and her response was "Dont you dare ever say that. Don't ever put a boy that high in your heart. Unlike most girls your age, you have experienced real heartbreak. Your father passed away, thats real heartbreak. Thats real pain. Don't ever let a boy think he's to that level in your heart. he isn't and never will be"

Put everything in a WHOLE new perspective for me. To this day I've never considered myself "heartbroken" from a simple guy.

Basically...big sister knows all. Love you so much Sue

We're All Liars

We don't fall out of love, the person we loved changes...or was never real to begin with.

Human beings are full of shit, I've lost faith in mankind

Real World London episode: "PULL YA SKIRT DOWN!"

(These pictures are from the other day, our program gave us tickets to a Shakespeare play. When we got out front there was a line of people trying to get tickets so we sold ours and used the money to go eat and have fun :) How cultured are we? haha)

So someone in the program came up with the idea that everyone should record confessionals like the Real World since we've nicknamed this experience "Real World London". They are setting up Akils closet to be the confessional...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I can't wait to see this especially because they plan to record when people are drunk, everyone knows confessionals start drama because thats when the truth is spoken, plus alcohol in their systems! hahaha

Speaking of....

These kids are CRAZY....People drink alcohol like camels to water here.

Anywayz the other night wen there was some fun happening I recorded some clips and I decided to share one with you!

Please jus watch this clip below and how OFFENDED Akil gets when I tell him "Pull ya Skirt DOWN"

I wish I could rotate this...but Unforunately I couldn't figure out how. Listen to the accents! Pietro is from Italy. Melody is from Malaysia but has a bit of a British accent, Eron is from Turkey, Kayana is Indian but grew up in Kenya and now lives in New York, Akil is from Brooklyn, Edwin is a British Nigerian, and then there is Moi(Nigerian born, Cali raised)!

(DISCLAIMER TO ALL FAMILY MEMBERS WATCHING THIS: Take note I am not drinking! I'm simply recording) to everyone else wondering...a lot of my family are pretty devoted muslims...and drinking is against my religion.

UnBEWEAVABLE!!!!

Today I traveled around Central London for a bit and did some shopping on Oxford Circus.

Within a span of maybe 5 hours 4 girls asked me if this was my real hair. I was HIGHLY irritated after just the first girl

BITCH DO YOU SLEEP BETTER AT NIGHT KNOWING THIS ISN'T MINES?!?!?!

Now everytime someone asks imma jus do this...

and thats real.

Lemme feel sorry for my self right quick

Excuse me for a second, this is my self pity time before I write about anything even somewhat relevant!
I got food poisoning from a Tuna Sandwich and spent Sunday throwing up. Now I'm suffering from what I am praying is simply a common cold. I keep sniffling and my nose is running and leaking like I've been sniffing cocaine. UGH ICK! I feel icky man. When my mom called me I began crying cause I feel like SHIT, Lol. I really felt hella sorry for myself...I couldn't even leave my bed for medicine.

Anywayz on Sunday while I was dying in my bed, I became so bored that I began going through old tmails and notes on my sidekick. Anyone who knows me is aware that my sidekick is FULL of emails I send to myself, notes, and when I have interesting convos with people I send them to myself also(creeper status...I kno!).

Anywayz it seems that THIS summer in particular is a summer for boys to act up. As I have repeated many times this past week..."THERE IS SOMETHING IN THE WATER."
So in the midst of all of this drama happening to many friends of mines AND myself it was a coincidence what the first note I opened was... an old tmail Id copy and pasted. It made me think...ALOT
I refuse to post the whole tmail on here so I cut some private chunks out but...

"Its so crazy how we came to join our lives in the way we did, we both know the story.! Umma I have never been happier with someone, never thought I would really wanna spend my life with someone til I met you... it was kinda a instant thing for me, I knew you were the one for me on sight... I never told u that, because I didn't want u to think I liked u, but I just knew an everyday, every conversation makes it more & more obvious that your the one for me...its weird cause yes we are different, but we are so compatible at the same time. I tell u all the time I won't hurt you, an I mean that in every way possible, I will protect you from evil...I know we are gonna have to put up with a lot of shit from other ppl, an that's fine because none of it will matter, nothing anyone can say will ever change my mind about u in the slightest way! I know we are not a perfect couple YET but in time we will be, we will stop doing the things we do now that each other hates..... everyday we are buildin a bond that just gets stronger an stronger as time goes....umma I want you to know all there is to know about me an I wanna learn everything I don't know about you. Its so much more to say, but ill end here...I've never been happier to tell someone that I LOVE THEM."

I fell for this shit. LOL. Its funny because merely two years ago I looked down on girls that fell in love. I didn't believe that shit was real. My brothers and cousins trained me to be the spokeswomen for "Niggas Aint Shit" long before I'd even tasted heartbreak. At age 20, I still don't know if it's real but I definitely became one of the very girls I saw as weak. I took a boy for his word and ran with it. I threw my own principles out the window and now I stand here looking for them. But I refuse to allow myself to think I am WEAK for it. I had a lapse of judgment. I lowered my standards. I became who I wasn't to the point that I didn't recognize myself anymore. I don't even know if I do now... Thats where my whole metamorphosis theory comes in. Anywayz tho whats funny is that I found a tmail I sent to a friend in 07'. She kept going back to a cheating boyfriend and was crying to me because she felt weak and as if she was almost devaluing herself for him.

An excerpt of the tmail:

"Ur not weak for the nigga, ur weak for love. Love isn't a person. Its a force. It chooses who you fall for, who breaks your heart, and who you spend the rest of your life with. I once heard this poem and the lady talks about women who stay with abusive men and how society looks at them as weak but how she sees them as being strong because their strong enough to stay with a man like that in hopes that they can change them. They are strong enough to endure so much pain and continue to go back with the optimism that maybe things will change.

Now I am not saying its ok to go back to a man who beats you or mistreats you but I think that as I get older, I understand more that its easy to judge someone from the outside of a situation. We all have our own perspective of friends and their relationships but when that shit is your OWN heart involved...you don't and cant always follow your own advice. So basically...judge people less..

So after me and Erin had our philosophy of Love and Human Sexuality class my friend Nichole asked me what I learned. She asked me what Love was to me now. See I have this theory that if you and someone break up then you were not in love, love is UNCONDITIONAL so the instant you need a break or break up or cheat...it became conditional!!!! Anywayz one night after a fight with the don juan of my life at that time I jotted down a few concepts of love. This was one of my bitter notes lol...

"Love so many people use your name in vain"
Love is simply four letters thrown around in order for one to give another the hopes of an unconditional bond but in reality that bond can be broken by the pettiest of problems. LOVE is a word used to emit the illusion of platonic emotion from one individual to the next but in reality we do not understand the depth of what that word once represented. To seek and recognize the beauty in a person that no other individual would value as much as yourself is love. In recognizing this beauty and in the process of instilling so much value into it, you realize it's rareness, therefore never allowing the slightest nor largest of conflict to even compromise this love.
"Love is Pain"
I call bullshit. That phrase is the antithesis of what love really is. Love is pure beauty and nothing less, so fuck the pain of it cause then its not love.

All these tmails and notes caused so many different emotions to arise. I continued searching through my sidekick. I found memories of my father I'd written down in hopes of never forgetting him, love letters, and some of the FUNNIEST aim convos in history.
Lastly...I came across my favorite conversation of all time.

n4koshi: ur still the strongest person i know
sugaru4um: Thanx Noah
n4koshi: seriously tho
n4koshi: U have to deal with so much
n4koshi: i swear ur gonna be queen of the world or something
sugaru4um: I'm not special... :(
sugaru4um: Thanx tho
n4koshi: there has to be something God or whoever is saving u for
sugaru4um: Man I really hope so Noah
n4koshi: and when it happens imma be like I told u so

Love this guy. Thanks Noah. You held my chin up when I wanted to look down and your the reason I never tripped and fell.

*sigh* I am all done ranting now. One day I may delete everything on my sidekick and start fresh. I'm holding on to people and memories that I need to let go of and that may be a part of the solution.

Husband Material

Husband Material...

An intellectual with street smarts and a vocabulary that would embarrass my intelligence. Loyal to the streets but bestfriends with literature. He can wear his pants low but still take off his hat to meet my moms. Many girls WANT him but only ONE has him. The young man who mustn't be told but already knows. Thoughtful enough to realize the things that can make a girl smile the most cost ZERO dollars. Realizes confidence is the sexiest accessory and ambition is a turn on. Doesn't need his boys to validate his manhood and doesn't need pussy to validate his attractiveness/boost his status. Challenges my faults because nobody else cares enough to. Respectful not just when it's convenient but because its embedded in his character. Doesn't just say he's different but is actually Creme de la creme. Creme of the crop. That type of shit doesn't need to be said. It just shows. From the way he carries himself to the respect he is given. A dude doesn't need to be the finest physically to be the SEXIEST in general.

OOO...and he can also eat ice cream while watching Mighty Ducks 2 in sweats on a friday night in!

I can always dream...Till then Imma need for these little boys to..
FUCK OFF!!!!!!

Sigh...I adore accents

Friday was the final day of my International Marketing class! I was sad because over the past 3 weeks I have bonded with the class. Nobody else seemed too sad that it was over but we've found each other on facebook so I can keep in touch with them all.

So as I was running to class 15 minutes late, I stopped to take a picture of the building my class is in. Whats funny is that this is actually an old mansion and the building is called just that..."The Mansion". The whole campus used to be some sort of palace actually and the mansion is filled with lots of old rooms that are used as classrooms. Imagine playing Hide and Go seek in that shit... This is the group picture I forced the class to take with me. Literally half the class didn't attend the last day because most of them were on a group trip to Paris but these are the ones that did attend.
I LOVED these two girls. They are both from Poland and are hilarious. They spent the classes talking and making jokes but still getting good ass grades! Imma miss them alot cause my next class probably wont have anyone as willing to get in trouble for talking.

So as we were waiting for our classroom to be unlocked I was sitting on some steps listening to everyones individual conversations and I realized how much I am going to miss their accents!!!! So I pulled my handy camera out of my purse and began filming. Most of the convos were pointless but here is a short clip of me asking a few students to say where they are from. Listen to the accents!!!! Im hella obnoxious and talking so loudly that you cant hear everyone unless you listen closely....sorry!



Monday I start another class which is Organizational Behavior. Im not nervous cause I already know two people in the class but I hope there are cool non American students because I seem to get along with them best!

Alrite. Ill probably be writing a NON London post tonight because so much has been on my mind lately. But peace for now...

Raining memories

I wrote quite a long post about my trip so far, the anniversary of my fathers death on monday, and me embracing religion.
It all got deleted. I refuse to rewrite it.
I leave you with merely pictures

Daydreaming

Constant Daydreaming, procrastination, tardiness....all traits of Umma. Coming to London for school has yet to change those. I started class on Monday and its from 10:00 to 3:30. We get a lunch break in between but still...its ridiculous. I find myself daydreaming about the most insignificant things such as Chipotle burrittos and wondering whats new on MTV's Real World...did the stripper get her singing career?
ANywayz My class is diverse. 3 Nigerians, 2 girls from Poland, a boy from Turkey, a boy from Pakistan, a girl from Iraq, one Ghanian girl, 3 Americans(they probally have heritage but the teacher didnt ask them...), and a girl from Czech republic. I fucking love it. Perfect for International Marketing, such a diverse range of people. The teacher also tries to ask us questions about our indiviual countries to make what we are learning applicable to various locations in the world, and its really helpful.
I took a picture of the class being the type of person I am. Nobody wanted to be in the damn picture which will be quite apparent when you look at it.



Of course Ive been spending time with the cousins but Monday they leave for Nigeria so im really going to be on campus all the time. It sucks because I am such a social person and am so used to making friends in basically any situation but the girls here have been so clique that I have made little to none effort. Usually I can find a group or two that seems welcoming and ill mingle with those people but I dont really get that vibe here. A few girls are coo but I dont see them around too much or know em enough to ask em to hang out. I have a few guy friends who are pretty funny and cool, they remind me of some of the guys I hang out with at Whittier. But yea basically I havent been on campus which may be the problem but when I tell everyone back home I havent made good ass friends yet they are shocked because my personality would make you think I would be the exact opposite.

Anywayz below are a few pics of me, Zim, and Samira. They are horrible angles and one isnt even rotated but we all know how lazy I am.



Ok im off to hook Samiras hair up with a good ass weave so till later! Smooches

Metamorphosis

Met·a·mor·pho·sis

–noun, plural
1.
Biology. a profound change in form from one stage to the next in the life history of an organism, as from the caterpillar to the pupa and from the pupa to the adult butterfly.
2.
a complete change of form, structure, or substance, as transformation by magic or witchcraft.
3.
any complete change in appearance, character, circumstances, etc.

Within a mere two years I have strayed far from who I once was. I've lost my way durig this journey and while taking the path I choose, I lost focus, humilty, religion, amongst many other qualities. Overall the indiviual I have become isn't an indiviual I am neccessarily proud to be. Tomorrow I officially start a 7 week chapter, like no other chapter in the story of my life. Tomorrows the first day of classes at the University of Middlesex the summer school I am attending in England. I often travel to England for a few weeks at a time and stay with my cousins but since they will be heading out of the country I am on my own. I have my own room in an on campus dorm building. Im out here with no friends, no experience in a situation like this, no expectations. It's exciting. I plan to use this trip as an opportunity to regain things that I have lost over the years. I'm considering this trip a chance at independence and to restrengthen the very traits that I once valued in myself. Seperation from all that i know and all that I have become can only help. I call this experience metamorphosis because I hope to return home a butterfly.

So I moved my stuff into my place this weekend and it was so ridiculously creepy. The walls are this icky yellow and the door is this weird ass lime green color. The light above the sink like flickers eerily instead of turning on and when I turn on the main light in my room it makes that scary movie humming sound. I feel like this room would be perfect for a killer movie.

Tomorrow I begin classes. Im so nervousssss but I am also excited as hell. My class is 5 hours. From 10-3. Unless I read the schedule wrong...which would make me estatic because 5 hours is fucking ridiculous. Anywayz I better get sleep because im still on an American time schedule waking up at 4pm and whatnot out here. Nitey loves!