Lemme feel sorry for my self right quick

Excuse me for a second, this is my self pity time before I write about anything even somewhat relevant!
I got food poisoning from a Tuna Sandwich and spent Sunday throwing up. Now I'm suffering from what I am praying is simply a common cold. I keep sniffling and my nose is running and leaking like I've been sniffing cocaine. UGH ICK! I feel icky man. When my mom called me I began crying cause I feel like SHIT, Lol. I really felt hella sorry for myself...I couldn't even leave my bed for medicine.

Anywayz on Sunday while I was dying in my bed, I became so bored that I began going through old tmails and notes on my sidekick. Anyone who knows me is aware that my sidekick is FULL of emails I send to myself, notes, and when I have interesting convos with people I send them to myself also(creeper status...I kno!).

Anywayz it seems that THIS summer in particular is a summer for boys to act up. As I have repeated many times this past week..."THERE IS SOMETHING IN THE WATER."
So in the midst of all of this drama happening to many friends of mines AND myself it was a coincidence what the first note I opened was... an old tmail Id copy and pasted. It made me think...ALOT
I refuse to post the whole tmail on here so I cut some private chunks out but...

"Its so crazy how we came to join our lives in the way we did, we both know the story.! Umma I have never been happier with someone, never thought I would really wanna spend my life with someone til I met you... it was kinda a instant thing for me, I knew you were the one for me on sight... I never told u that, because I didn't want u to think I liked u, but I just knew an everyday, every conversation makes it more & more obvious that your the one for me...its weird cause yes we are different, but we are so compatible at the same time. I tell u all the time I won't hurt you, an I mean that in every way possible, I will protect you from evil...I know we are gonna have to put up with a lot of shit from other ppl, an that's fine because none of it will matter, nothing anyone can say will ever change my mind about u in the slightest way! I know we are not a perfect couple YET but in time we will be, we will stop doing the things we do now that each other hates..... everyday we are buildin a bond that just gets stronger an stronger as time goes....umma I want you to know all there is to know about me an I wanna learn everything I don't know about you. Its so much more to say, but ill end here...I've never been happier to tell someone that I LOVE THEM."

I fell for this shit. LOL. Its funny because merely two years ago I looked down on girls that fell in love. I didn't believe that shit was real. My brothers and cousins trained me to be the spokeswomen for "Niggas Aint Shit" long before I'd even tasted heartbreak. At age 20, I still don't know if it's real but I definitely became one of the very girls I saw as weak. I took a boy for his word and ran with it. I threw my own principles out the window and now I stand here looking for them. But I refuse to allow myself to think I am WEAK for it. I had a lapse of judgment. I lowered my standards. I became who I wasn't to the point that I didn't recognize myself anymore. I don't even know if I do now... Thats where my whole metamorphosis theory comes in. Anywayz tho whats funny is that I found a tmail I sent to a friend in 07'. She kept going back to a cheating boyfriend and was crying to me because she felt weak and as if she was almost devaluing herself for him.

An excerpt of the tmail:

"Ur not weak for the nigga, ur weak for love. Love isn't a person. Its a force. It chooses who you fall for, who breaks your heart, and who you spend the rest of your life with. I once heard this poem and the lady talks about women who stay with abusive men and how society looks at them as weak but how she sees them as being strong because their strong enough to stay with a man like that in hopes that they can change them. They are strong enough to endure so much pain and continue to go back with the optimism that maybe things will change.

Now I am not saying its ok to go back to a man who beats you or mistreats you but I think that as I get older, I understand more that its easy to judge someone from the outside of a situation. We all have our own perspective of friends and their relationships but when that shit is your OWN heart involved...you don't and cant always follow your own advice. So basically...judge people less..

So after me and Erin had our philosophy of Love and Human Sexuality class my friend Nichole asked me what I learned. She asked me what Love was to me now. See I have this theory that if you and someone break up then you were not in love, love is UNCONDITIONAL so the instant you need a break or break up or cheat...it became conditional!!!! Anywayz one night after a fight with the don juan of my life at that time I jotted down a few concepts of love. This was one of my bitter notes lol...

"Love so many people use your name in vain"
Love is simply four letters thrown around in order for one to give another the hopes of an unconditional bond but in reality that bond can be broken by the pettiest of problems. LOVE is a word used to emit the illusion of platonic emotion from one individual to the next but in reality we do not understand the depth of what that word once represented. To seek and recognize the beauty in a person that no other individual would value as much as yourself is love. In recognizing this beauty and in the process of instilling so much value into it, you realize it's rareness, therefore never allowing the slightest nor largest of conflict to even compromise this love.
"Love is Pain"
I call bullshit. That phrase is the antithesis of what love really is. Love is pure beauty and nothing less, so fuck the pain of it cause then its not love.

All these tmails and notes caused so many different emotions to arise. I continued searching through my sidekick. I found memories of my father I'd written down in hopes of never forgetting him, love letters, and some of the FUNNIEST aim convos in history.
Lastly...I came across my favorite conversation of all time.

n4koshi: ur still the strongest person i know
sugaru4um: Thanx Noah
n4koshi: seriously tho
n4koshi: U have to deal with so much
n4koshi: i swear ur gonna be queen of the world or something
sugaru4um: I'm not special... :(
sugaru4um: Thanx tho
n4koshi: there has to be something God or whoever is saving u for
sugaru4um: Man I really hope so Noah
n4koshi: and when it happens imma be like I told u so

Love this guy. Thanks Noah. You held my chin up when I wanted to look down and your the reason I never tripped and fell.

*sigh* I am all done ranting now. One day I may delete everything on my sidekick and start fresh. I'm holding on to people and memories that I need to let go of and that may be a part of the solution.