Dear 2009,
I remember when writing my 08' letter I stated:
"2008 you knocked me down fiercely. Round after round you had no remorse in your eyes. I got up each time. People have always spoke of this ferocious strength which they say I exemplify. I never believed it and you finally made me aware it exist. I never saw it before your relentless attacks but after coming out of each one triumphantly, i realized it is here.
2008 there were times I wanted to give up because things hurt so bad. You were a year of pain but you were also a year of perseverance."
2009 you proved to be no different.
This year I lost focus, humility, and religion, amongst many other qualities I once valued in myself.
You were a year of trial and tribulation, a year of recognizing that life is far from easy. You were a year of lessons in love and maturity. I learned forgiveness is necessary for peace of mind, even forgiveness of those who did not necessarily ask to be forgiven. You were a year of friendships lost and friendships gained. With these losses also came the acceptance that each person in our lives is a character in a story and sometimes they aren't meant to make it to the end, they are meant for the chapters they are written into, and once you have learned from them perhaps their time is over. I lost faith in the concept of "unconditional love" and I lost trust. I was given reason after reason to continue my belief that the only person in this world who is truly about ME is my mother. And I am ok with that.
You were a year of Modern Day Family(MDF). For that I am grateful. In my four years of Whittier College, I do not think I have laughed and smiled as much as I have in this one semester with the MDF. So thank you.
See 2009, you were not the year I expected you to be and there were even a few times when I called you a disappointment...but when I really think about it, you were far from that. Every day which I was "disappointed" or hurt by someones actions or I failed myself, was a lesson. And I have the choice to take that lesson and utilize it the next time I find myself in perplexing situations. I am grateful and thankful for everyday I wake up breathing, even the hard ones. So thank you for allowing me to see 2010.
P.s. Nicole and Samah...nobody on this planet will ever understand EVERYTHING you have done for me in 2009 and I can only pray that one day I can do the same for you. Thank you for being so selfless, compassionate, and giving in this friendship. I love you.
Dear 2010,
I learned my lesson from 2009. I expect nothing from you. Expectation is often the root of sorrow. However 2010...This is the year, I finish college. My 4 years of higher education at Whittier College will come to an end. The up's and down's I experienced during my matriculation through academia will be no longer. 2010 I know I say that I don't expect anything from you but I am bracing myself for an adventure. I am bracing myself for "the real world". I am prepared for the unnerving excitement of accomplishing something I have been working my WHOLE life towards. Nah...I don't expect shit from you 2010, but I am preparing myself, just in case. Anything you do decide to throw at me; any obstacle, any curve ball, I will be prepared. Prepared to smile at it, prepared to make a leap into things blindly simply hoping for the best and prepared to obtain everything my heart desires through dedication, hard work, and my charming smile.
Mo once told me "Good things come to those who wait, but it's usually just the leftovers from those who went after".
I refuse to continue to allow myself to live vicariously through those whom I admire. I will not allow myself to become complacent with what I have achieved so far, it's never good enough when there is more you can achieve.
From here on out it's a continuous come up.
Met·a·mor·pho·sis
–noun, plural
1.
Biology. a profound change in form from one stage to the next in the life history of an organism, as from the caterpillar to the pupa and from the pupa to the adult butterfly.
2.
a complete change of form, structure, or substance, as transformation by magic or witchcraft.
3.
any complete change in appearance, character, circumstances, etc.
2010 I hope that I can become a butterfly. I hope to restrengthen the very traits that I once valued in myself. I hope to obtain a wealth beyond the material. Inner happiness, knowledge, humility, and most importantly I hope to regain my religious dedication.
I can only smile because I know I have hit such LOWs in my life, that I can only go up. I won't allow my life to go any other way so I am excited for 2010 and my metamorphosis.
Happy New Years everyone
Love,
Ruqqayat
Oh and to YOU... In 2009 I wrote this
"Dear You
What you instilled in me is inexplicable. It was beyond friendship and beyond love. I don't believe anyone, even you or me will ever be able to define what it is you gave me. It was beyond the common comfort we often mistake love for. It was as if when you came into my world, God had given me a life saver. A restored sense of hope and a reason to once again believe in him and the concept of faith. Because of you, I once again saw a beauty in the unusual. The good in the un-obvious. And hope in what the future had to offer.
There is something so beautiful about the first time you fall in love. You hold no expectations. You have no inhibitions. All you know is that this person right here, in front of you, is one of God's most beautiful creations. All you are aware of is the simple fact that they posses the ability to give you this indescribable feeling. Its not simply that they make you happy or you feel a sense of comfort with them. Its the fact that they can make you feel emotions you didn't know existed, they change how you see the world, your outlook on what not only the future but on what life has to offer.
I don't think you will ever realize the state I was in before you came along. Have you ever seen an incomplete puzzle? And once it was partially put together the whole image was identifiable, although it wasn't all there? That was me after my father passed away. I was me, but only to an extent. Pieces were missing. I no longer held faith in God, I no longer understood why we bothered to be good people if that only equalled to death . And the crazy thing is that people always asked "how I was handling things so well", it was if I'd put on this serene facade and even those who knew me the best couldn't see past it.
Then you came along. And I will never say you compensated for my loss because nobody in this world will ever take the place of my father but please understand that once you came along the only thing which I was sure about was that you made me happy. You provided not only security and comfort but you provided a sense of fulfillment that I hadn't felt in a long time. It was as if you were the perfect character, placed in my life, at the perfect time. The effect you had on me gave me a restored faith in not only life but in God. Some may call it crazy that it took a boy to give me back so much but that's where I call them ignorant. Nobody could possibly understand that it was beyond "teenage" love for me, it was the mere fact that you were some of my missing pieces. The image which was me, was now a bit more complete.
And when we crumbled, the glass house which we'd so delicately built, shattered as well. Things fell apart quickly and there was no way to salvage them. I made excuses when I shouldn't have, I forgave when I wasn't ready, and I allowed what went against my principles. And in the midst of doing all this I built up a wall. I grew untrusting, I collected inhibitions, and my unfaltering faith in "us" wavered.
So many people continued to judge me for staying with you. They questioned your significance in my life. I wish these same people could see why I fell in love with you in a matter of 2 weeks. And when they ask why I love you, I hold no response. But I can't be embarrassed because why I love you is truly INEXPLICABLE. And 3 years later I can never regret the accelerated pace which we fell in love. 30 years from now if I still hurt from what transcended between us, I could never regret you entering in my life. How can I regret meeting someone who showed me something so beautiful?
You once asked me if I believed that perhaps we hold on to each other merely out of comfort. For me it's beyond comfort. I think I hold on to you because you stand as tangible proof of faith and God's ultimate plan. Everything happens for a reason right?
Thank you for all you have given me and all which you have taught me. And please just remember that even when I hate you, I love you in a dimension which is incomprehensible to the average mind.
Maybe one day, in another lifetime, we can fall in love again.
Goodbye,
<3 R
and in 2010 and every year that follows, I mean every word of this until the day I die. Thank you for everything you taught me and showed me, even when you didn't know I was learning.
